How to tell you're not so much a hot mess as just a fucking mess:
Last weekend was my cousin's wedding. Now, I have a lot of cousins and I'm not particularly close to any of them, probably due to the fact that I have so many. Which isn't to say that I don't like my extended family. I do, with the exception of their frequent questioning of what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. That isn't exactly their fault. We don't see each other often enough for them to realise that I am so fucking sick of getting asked what I'm going to be doing next year I want to hit them all.
Or...get really really drunk. Weddings equal free booze. Cue me being the first person in line as soon as the bar opened. Okay, I lie. I was second. Right behind my dad. Cue me downing 3 beers and a glass of red before the entree was served. And lots more wine to follow that. There was plenty of (incredible) food, but not nearly enough to soak up all the booze I was gulping.
So there was me. The first one on the dance floor as soon as the music started. The first one to start loudly clapping and cheering during the speeches. The first one knocking people down to get into the photobooth with my novelty oversized glasses. And that is just the stuff I remember.
Yes ladies and gentlemen, I was well and truly wasted. And I am a loud drunk. I don't do sitting quietly at the table trying not to be sick. I am all manic laughter and tripping over my high heels. My family? With the exception of my father they are not big drinkers and even if they do indulge, they are quiet about it.
My parents had to take me home early and put me to bed. I was supposed to go out with The Best Friend afterwards but I was apparently in no shape.
Since I woke up the next morning still wearing my shoes and with no memory of the bouquet I supposedly caught it was probably a fair call.
A couple of years ago The Best Friend was told by her mother that she had ruined Christmas when her scorpion back tattoo was discovered on Christmas Eve (she was also told she'd ruined Christmas then year after that, but that's another story). I ruined my cousin's wedding.
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