"We're happy free confused and lonely in the best way"

I'm 22. I'm female. I live in Melbourne, Australia.

I'm about to graduate from university with a law degree. This apparently means I should, at least sort of, have my shit together. Guess what? My shit; it isn't together. It isn't even sort of together. To be honest, I don't even know what my shit is.

Over the past year I've realised I don't want the things I always thought I wanted and I'm not going to be the sort of person I always thought I would be. Of course the obvious follow up question to that is: well the who the hell am I going to be? And that is something I have no idea how to answer. And you know what else? I kinda don't care. My defining characteristics seem to be the fact that I am eternally single and the fact that I lack the ability to give a shit about anything.

I'm currently supposed to be studying for exams. Obviously I'm not. But what's more to the point is that I'm not even really bothered. It would have bothered me, once. Even a year ago I used to be the typical university student stresshead, drinking too much coffee and eating too many dark chocolate Timtams but right now I can't even be bothered opening the textbook I spent over a hundred bucks on. And it doesn't really bother me.

I don't have a job lined up for next year. Not only that, but I didn't even bother applying for anything. Around me all my friends have been dressing up and going to interviews and freaking out about they will- or won't- be doing. It was just all too hard for me. Even the thought of ordering an official academic transcript seemed too hard, so I just didn't bother. And it didn't even worry me.

You know what I stress about? The fact that maybe I ordered too many waffles for afternoon tea. The fact that I only have half a bottle of red wine left sitting on my bedside table, and I'll probably need more soon. The fact that over the weekend I ripped a hole in my favourite black lace dress. The fact that one of my closest friends still confuses his 'yours' and 'you'res' on facebook. Those are my genuine concerns and anxieties in life at the moment. I know that is pathetic and stupid and maybe even petty but I. Do. Not. Care. Anything real just seems too difficult.

I'm not getting any younger. But I don't want to get any older.

This is the story of someone who doesn't know what the fuck they're doing. And who isn't ashamed of that, even if they aren't exactly proud either.